I used to do this for my high school newspaper.

Aries - When they find you washed up on the shore among the pieces of the ship, they'll finally know -- briefs.

Taurus - Your doctor will prescribe a short round of new antibiotics, and eventually the new 'addition' will fall off. Just give it time.

Gemini - Yes, you can get it done on your own, but if you ask people for help, you can accomplish half as much in twice the time, because they're pretty awful at what they do.

Cancer - You have a love decision to make, but it will have to wait until everyone stops trying to lynch you for being a witch.

Leo - You'll make an important speech today to a lot of important people, and hopefully you won't get murdered for it.

Virgo - Life will frown on you today when you realize that no; it really isn't all the same in the dark. Especially when you're sleeping with a walrus.

Libra - Playing God will not turn out well this week when giant shark-rat finally gets a taste for blood.

Scorpio - You'll think about the plagues in the Old Testament this month, and where those teenagers managed to get all of the damn frogs.

Sagittarius - Watch out for a conflict with someone at work this week. And paper cuts. And the stapler hurtling at your face.

Capricorn - The police will find out about where you're getting the wood and labor for the new addition to your house. Also, your neighbor will wonder where his living room and kids went.

Aquarius - No one will believe you when you say that you have found a daily requirement for alcohol intake, but most of them will drink it anyway.

Pisces - In order to maintain a PG rating of yourself for work and/or church, you will have to put pants on. And get off of the tiny horse.