Hello everyone. Today we began a new semester and with that new semester come giant lecture halls filled with overripe teenagers. Today I was harshly reminded of the flaws in the general etiquette of most people in one of these said halls. Twice. The below is about that experience, but before you read it, I would like to add that I really do like people quite a bit. I am not a bastard and mostly enjoy our tiny interactions, just not today.
SO, I know that whatever you are texting to Becky or Marissa or Becka some other friend with an equally boring name about the labor day party and how you got so wasted that you may or may not have woken up in a bathroom with hep C is very important to your life and to the lives of those around you. I understand your misguided self worth and apathetic notions that lectures on cell biology from a very Chinese man are just sooo totally boring and menial that you must chat with the girl next to you via text. I don't blame you for that. However, the ever-so-eager clickety-click of your cell phone's buttons directly behind my left ear tested my patience. But you eventually stopped, so it's okay. I can and do forgive; it was a boring intro lecture after all. What happened next was really rather horrifying, though. You opened a bag of cheetos. CHEETOS. Cheetos come in a cellophane (or some equally annoying material) bag. The bag crinkles when your stubby fingers go in and out, no matter how quiet you are trying to be. Now I am not a violent person, so I do not wish to harm you. However, I do wish somebody would have made you eat that cellophane bag, no matter how noisy it may have been. Also, if you found some stairs and fell down them that would be great.
The second incident took place in the same lecture, but it was the girl next to you. I was sitting there blinking away the minutes when a certain scent wafted down from behind me. Is that...? Does she have chips too? No, no crinkly bag noise. It's...onion. Continuous, powerful onion. Is she eating an onion like an apple??? I think she's eating an onion like an apple!? Holy jesus is this ever the dumbest thing that I have experience in a while. I'm not really sure where the onion smell was coming from, but if you were eating an onion like an apple, please please PLEASE seek help.
Soooo a few more things. One. If you cannot find your books on your own without minimal help (such as asking the aisle number) please drop out of college (as you have never learned to problem solve) and purchase a helmet. You may need it. Two. I found that if I graph amount of caffeine consumed versus niceness to others (on X and Y, respectively) it's pretty much a straight up bell curve. Gotta find that happy medium...
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Yes, I know it has been forever.
"As you get older, it is harder to have heroes."
Ernest Hemingway said that. One of the few things he's ever said that I like, because I feel it is a truth which everyone experiences but few realize in such simple words. I saw it on the bus.
I was also thinking about American medicine. This is a place where people take their children to the ER because of a nosebleed. Don't. Stuff some Kleenex in there and make him sit still for five minutes, but don't tip his head back because he will start digesting his own blood and die a horrible useless death. Point #1. Point #2: There are places in the world where people shit themselves to death. The water is poorly sanitized (if at all), they drink the stuff, get diarrhea, poop constantly, and expire due to dehydration, which would be okay -- save for the fact that all of the diarrhea went back into the water supply.
In America you might choke on a paper clip and die. You might slip on a dock and break your arm. You might smash your car into other cars -- But you will never shit yourself to death. Could this be what the 'land of opportunity' really means? Our water won't make you deathly ill?
At times it really seems as though there are no real problems here. I once saw a study which stated that most people who live at or below the imaginary 'poverty line' in the United States have cable television. CABLE! AND TELEVISION! What kind of country is this? We don't even know what poverty IS. Money is a made-up thing that will only make you worry about not having any (when is the last time that you saw any amount of real money? As opposed to smaller-than-you'd-hoped numbers printed on an ATM receipt?). Our nation is ludicrous, terrifying, and capitalistic -- and I'm sick of it.
Maybe this Obama fellow will get something done (do you actually think McOldliar has a chance?) and maybe he won't. One thing I do believe he will do is make a lot of intelligent speeches and have a lot of followers who don't know the first thing about the guy.
Oh, and he makes me proud to live here again.
Ernest Hemingway said that. One of the few things he's ever said that I like, because I feel it is a truth which everyone experiences but few realize in such simple words. I saw it on the bus.
I was also thinking about American medicine. This is a place where people take their children to the ER because of a nosebleed. Don't. Stuff some Kleenex in there and make him sit still for five minutes, but don't tip his head back because he will start digesting his own blood and die a horrible useless death. Point #1. Point #2: There are places in the world where people shit themselves to death. The water is poorly sanitized (if at all), they drink the stuff, get diarrhea, poop constantly, and expire due to dehydration, which would be okay -- save for the fact that all of the diarrhea went back into the water supply.
In America you might choke on a paper clip and die. You might slip on a dock and break your arm. You might smash your car into other cars -- But you will never shit yourself to death. Could this be what the 'land of opportunity' really means? Our water won't make you deathly ill?
At times it really seems as though there are no real problems here. I once saw a study which stated that most people who live at or below the imaginary 'poverty line' in the United States have cable television. CABLE! AND TELEVISION! What kind of country is this? We don't even know what poverty IS. Money is a made-up thing that will only make you worry about not having any (when is the last time that you saw any amount of real money? As opposed to smaller-than-you'd-hoped numbers printed on an ATM receipt?). Our nation is ludicrous, terrifying, and capitalistic -- and I'm sick of it.
Maybe this Obama fellow will get something done (do you actually think McOldliar has a chance?) and maybe he won't. One thing I do believe he will do is make a lot of intelligent speeches and have a lot of followers who don't know the first thing about the guy.
Oh, and he makes me proud to live here again.
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