Hello everyone. Today we began a new semester and with that new semester come giant lecture halls filled with overripe teenagers. Today I was harshly reminded of the flaws in the general etiquette of most people in one of these said halls. Twice. The below is about that experience, but before you read it, I would like to add that I really do like people quite a bit. I am not a bastard and mostly enjoy our tiny interactions, just not today.
SO, I know that whatever you are texting to Becky or Marissa or Becka some other friend with an equally boring name about the labor day party and how you got so wasted that you may or may not have woken up in a bathroom with hep C is very important to your life and to the lives of those around you. I understand your misguided self worth and apathetic notions that lectures on cell biology from a very Chinese man are just sooo totally boring and menial that you must chat with the girl next to you via text. I don't blame you for that. However, the ever-so-eager clickety-click of your cell phone's buttons directly behind my left ear tested my patience. But you eventually stopped, so it's okay. I can and do forgive; it was a boring intro lecture after all. What happened next was really rather horrifying, though. You opened a bag of cheetos. CHEETOS. Cheetos come in a cellophane (or some equally annoying material) bag. The bag crinkles when your stubby fingers go in and out, no matter how quiet you are trying to be. Now I am not a violent person, so I do not wish to harm you. However, I do wish somebody would have made you eat that cellophane bag, no matter how noisy it may have been. Also, if you found some stairs and fell down them that would be great.
The second incident took place in the same lecture, but it was the girl next to you. I was sitting there blinking away the minutes when a certain scent wafted down from behind me. Is that...? Does she have chips too? No, no crinkly bag noise. It's...onion. Continuous, powerful onion. Is she eating an onion like an apple??? I think she's eating an onion like an apple!? Holy jesus is this ever the dumbest thing that I have experience in a while. I'm not really sure where the onion smell was coming from, but if you were eating an onion like an apple, please please PLEASE seek help.
Soooo a few more things. One. If you cannot find your books on your own without minimal help (such as asking the aisle number) please drop out of college (as you have never learned to problem solve) and purchase a helmet. You may need it. Two. I found that if I graph amount of caffeine consumed versus niceness to others (on X and Y, respectively) it's pretty much a straight up bell curve. Gotta find that happy medium...
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