but...uh...

I would do this 100 point paper due tomorrow, but I can't stop eating grapes and talking to someone that I barely know. Vivo por me hago dano. That's not true.



I wonder what it's like to parachute.

You son of a bitch.

When you actually didn't sleep through theory and make it to a class at 11 at 10...your life sucks. I yelled at my alarm clock. And then I yelled at it again in spanish to make sure. Of course it isn't my fault for flailing at the alarm in desperate attempts to just make it stop...College is against me.

Ruminations: Alex Trebek

You all know the man.

-I think he's a robot. Nobody does that many languages or accents without messing up ONCE.

-His eyes sometimes remind me of a scared horse or a really, really creepy teddy bear.

-I'm pretty sure that when he watches himself on TV he does it surrounded by custom-made dolls designed to look like Alex Trebek by Alex Trebek while conversing with them about how good his tea is.

-One time, he told me that he calls his house 'Kingdom Trebekia, ruled by Trebek the Wise.'

-I hope that he's married to a model or at least somebody moderately stupid who doesn't know anything about books or 14th century plays so that when they eat dinner it's just tenseness and her feeling neglected and inferior when he goes to six book clubs a night.

-He reads the Dictionary while driving. A golden chariot. To Dictionary club.

-I'm waiting for what he says when a contestant answers 'well I just don't know, Alex.' He'd probably make his or her eyes bleed with his mighty brain.

-If you watch closely you can see two small extra arms on his back with even smaller hands constantly massaging his head and/or flipping off people he doesn't like. He grew them when heaven rejected him as an angel for pissing the other angels off by acting all 'high and mighty.'

-He doesn't have to meet you. He already knows you. Have you seen the show?

-Despite being picked on in school; he's only been in a fight once. It was with himself. He won.

-I can picture him playing with GI Joes and Barbies but having them acting out 'Don Giovanni' and singing all the parts himself.

-I'm sorry, Alex. I know you know that I'm writing this. Please don't hurt me.

Next up on 'Where Are They Now?'

I like Tang. Probably more than I like YOU, America. The beard is pretty exact.

Nothing was fun in the 1492s

Nothing was fun in the 1700s, either. Actually I don't think anything was fun until the invention of the ball+stick+string+cup game. Then shit really started to happen.

THIS IS NOT FAIR

I went to bed at two having to get up at 9:30. And I just laid there. And laid there. Annnnnnnd you guessed it, laid there. Trying to sleep but failing miserably is probably one of the worst things to fail at, unless you just so happen to be lifting an elephant.

Maybe I sleep too much during the day. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Hey, I'm not the one lifting an elephant. What a terrible idea.

Reasons why I could never be on game shows.

1) Family Feud

I'm pretty sure that I'm smarter than anybody who has ever been on that show. The dumb answers aren't even the worst part; it's the people that cheer them on and loudly proclaim them as "GOOD ANSWER!"s.

Host: "surveyed 100 people top five answers on the board. Name a person in a place of authority."
Woman: "Firetruck!"
Rabble Family Mob: "GOOD ANSWER!"

Well, Rabble Family Mob; that is not a good answer. A firetruck is a big red THING, and I hope you are all crunched by one on your way home to dumbland extraordinaire.

Where do they find the families?

I would say policeman. Did the pervy used-to-be host die?

2) Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

First off; that's a stupid question; only crackwhores and crackgigolos don't want to be millionaires because they dun forgetted what one is.

I would probably get kicked out for yelling out answers and showing utter dislike for Meredith. Stupid Meredith. She ruined it.

Regis is 74 and still dreamy.

3) Lingo

Who came up with this? Guessing five-letter words with only the first letter shown huh. Sounds fun. For sixth-graders.

My foul mouth and keen ability to speak without thinking would ruin the hell out of this one.

PENIS! CUNTS! BAGINER! COCKS! BAGINER!

My partner would glare at me and I would just laugh. It's impossible to lose. I think I'll just pretend that I'm good at crossword puzzles for now.

4) Jeopardy!

If there's anything in the world that can make anybody feel like an autistic three-year-old or the smartest person in the world; it's Jeopardy.

Firstly, I would trace my hand and write 'TERKIE!' underneath it as my name. That's probably frowned upon.

No I do not know Prince Vladimir of Czechlaturkiva's maid's maiden name. Oh it's Smith? I would've thought it'd be a little more...you know...extravagant.

I rarely speak in questions. There's an epidemic in this here country nowadays where everybody ASKS things instead of SAYING them. It drives me insane. That's not the real problem though. I'm just not studious enough to do any good on this show.

Once again, crosswords.

5) The Weakest Link

That woman was NOT intimidating. Just frumpy and angry at being frumpy and angry.

These questions are easy too, like perpetuate 1,000 dollar questions on Millionaire.

I guess trying to intimidate the current wussy boy-copy of that woman thing would be fun, but I think I'd just be too overtly mean to the other contestants and they'd vote me off. Bitches.

6) Wheel of Fortune

It's like Lingo, but bigger and with a still-attractive fifty-year-old on set. And there's a wheel with purdy colors!

I wouldn't even TRY to get on this show. I can't even watch it...it's just so...boring. skip.

7) The Price Is Right

This show + blueberry pop tarts = my childhood.

I think this would be more of a novelty to be on than anything. I don't really NEED a giant china hutch, Bob. What would he do if I wore a 'Hot For Bob!' shirt?

I'd be surrounded by 40-year-olds if I got come-on-downed...I can see it. And some bitch would bid 801 after my 800 and I would stare at her with vicious intent until she got really really uncomfortable. Then, if she won, I'd make the 'you're dead' motion, running my finger across my throat and get sued.

8) Hollywood Squares

I'd ditch the pre-written jokes(come on, you know they do that) and dip into my own personal, and much more mean-spirited, stash. 'nuff said.

9) The Pyramid Game

I can't think of anybody that I would go on that show with and not hate afterwards. A lot of the time I have to explain the things I say, and now you want me to explain something without talking? Whoever I brought would get mad at me for sucking at sign language and I would be mad at them for sucking at interpreting really crappy sign language.

Oh, and the host is a tool.

10) The Match Game

If only I was alive when this was around!

Every time my answer would be a drawing of a hand turkey on the little card. I can't ever see that getting old.

and I don't really know why I'm here

I think I'll start talking to the internet. I'm not really sure why. Sometimes I think things that don't belong in many other places than the ol' noggin', and here we are.