1) Family Feud
I'm pretty sure that I'm smarter than anybody who has ever been on that show. The dumb answers aren't even the worst part; it's the people that cheer them on and loudly proclaim them as "GOOD ANSWER!"s.
Host: "surveyed 100 people top five answers on the board. Name a person in a place of authority."
Woman: "Firetruck!"
Rabble Family Mob: "GOOD ANSWER!"
Well, Rabble Family Mob; that is not a good answer. A firetruck is a big red THING, and I hope you are all crunched by one on your way home to dumbland extraordinaire.
Where do they find the families?
I would say policeman. Did the pervy used-to-be host die?
2) Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
First off; that's a stupid question; only crackwhores and crackgigolos don't want to be millionaires because they dun forgetted what one is.
I would probably get kicked out for yelling out answers and showing utter dislike for Meredith. Stupid Meredith. She ruined it.
Regis is 74 and still dreamy.
3) Lingo
Who came up with this? Guessing five-letter words with only the first letter shown huh. Sounds fun. For sixth-graders.
My foul mouth and keen ability to speak without thinking would ruin the hell out of this one.
PENIS! CUNTS! BAGINER! COCKS! BAGINER!
My partner would glare at me and I would just laugh. It's impossible to lose. I think I'll just pretend that I'm good at crossword puzzles for now.
4) Jeopardy!
If there's anything in the world that can make anybody feel like an autistic three-year-old or the smartest person in the world; it's Jeopardy.
Firstly, I would trace my hand and write 'TERKIE!' underneath it as my name. That's probably frowned upon.
No I do not know Prince Vladimir of Czechlaturkiva's maid's maiden name. Oh it's Smith? I would've thought it'd be a little more...you know...extravagant.
I rarely speak in questions. There's an epidemic in this here country nowadays where everybody ASKS things instead of SAYING them. It drives me insane. That's not the real problem though. I'm just not studious enough to do any good on this show.
Once again, crosswords.
5) The Weakest Link
That woman was NOT intimidating. Just frumpy and angry at being frumpy and angry.
These questions are easy too, like perpetuate 1,000 dollar questions on Millionaire.
I guess trying to intimidate the current wussy boy-copy of that woman thing would be fun, but I think I'd just be too overtly mean to the other contestants and they'd vote me off. Bitches.
6) Wheel of Fortune
It's like Lingo, but bigger and with a still-attractive fifty-year-old on set. And there's a wheel with purdy colors!
I wouldn't even TRY to get on this show. I can't even watch it...it's just so...boring. skip.
7) The Price Is Right
This show + blueberry pop tarts = my childhood.
I think this would be more of a novelty to be on than anything. I don't really NEED a giant china hutch, Bob. What would he do if I wore a 'Hot For Bob!' shirt?
I'd be surrounded by 40-year-olds if I got come-on-downed...I can see it. And some bitch would bid 801 after my 800 and I would stare at her with vicious intent until she got really really uncomfortable. Then, if she won, I'd make the 'you're dead' motion, running my finger across my throat and get sued.
8) Hollywood Squares
I'd ditch the pre-written jokes(come on, you know they do that) and dip into my own personal, and much more mean-spirited, stash. 'nuff said.
9) The Pyramid Game
I can't think of anybody that I would go on that show with and not hate afterwards. A lot of the time I have to explain the things I say, and now you want me to explain something without talking? Whoever I brought would get mad at me for sucking at sign language and I would be mad at them for sucking at interpreting really crappy sign language.
Oh, and the host is a tool.
10) The Match Game
If only I was alive when this was around!
Every time my answer would be a drawing of a hand turkey on the little card. I can't ever see that getting old.
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